MENTAL ILLNESS – THE BURDENS & BLESSINGS

By Nikki McClusky  

Around age 5 the symptoms of my poor mental health began to manifest. 

Mother and father were convinced I was possessed. 

It took but mere days when I found myself on the giant leather chair. Swinging my itty bitty feet and hiding my face in the squeaky shiny armrest.

This was the beggining of a lifelong battle with mental illness. It was the beggining of my lifelong battle with my abusive mother. 

It was the beggining of the rest of my life. The myriad of mental health issues I had seemed so daunting back then. But little did I know that my messed up brain was a blessing in disguise. 

Albeit a horrifying and snarling monster of a blessing. The kind of blessing that kills you…only so you can be reborn.

A Phoenix rising from my own ashes. A woman unencumbered by the thoughts and opinions of the autonomous masses.

Of course the battle is uphill. It is often 20 steps up the slope only to slide 35 steps back down. But it is those haunting wretched moments at the bottom that have truly earned me my crown.

There are plenty of times when having a chemically unbalanced brain are dark and crippling. The days and nights my depression have taken from me. The opportunities my social anxiety and ADHD have ripped away from me. In no way can I state truthfully that I have not succumbed to the worst parts of me. I have screamed I have kicked and cried until my tear ducts ran gritty and dry.

I have cursed the heavens and asked God why me WHY?

The answer is so clear to me now. As I grow as I awaken. I have come to love my mental illnesses like old friends. I have come to love the boo boos on my brain. In all seriousness I am in love with being different. I am proud to be insane.

My dear depression. My lifelong pal anxiety. If it wasn’t for you I could have never found the light within the darkness inside of me. I am blessed with knowing myself inside and out. I have gained strength from feeling the ridges of my own inconsistence.

I am blessed with a perspective that is different and unique from all the rest. I have earned each and every battle scar. And I done them proudly like the proof of strength that they are.

When I began to coexist with my mental illnesses I found peace. I found myself. I found that every cell of my body tells a story of survival. If it wasn’t for these so called burdens I have no doubt that I would not know who I even am.

Anxiety allowed me to unearth qualities and aspects of myself that would have otherwise remained hidden. Anxiety has taught me to live in the moment for the future is ever changing.

Depression has taught me that we are indeed tethered to our pasts. But if I choose to learn to be thankful and release these traumatic memories I can be free.

My mental health however chaotic and messed up it may be…makes me…me.

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“My name is Nikki! I am 26 years young and happily married. I find love and light in even the darkest of times and I hope to inspire others to do the same. I have been a writer as far back as I can remember. I love to tell stories and make people laugh. I am a survivor of abuse and I thrive because of it. I am a mystic and lover of all things magical and weird. I hope to make a difference in this world through my writing and more :)”

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